I promised myself I wouldn't do this again. I'm in a hotel room with about two hours to write a column. This is because I'm in Bristol, for Comics 2001. It's Sunday afternoon, and instead of going to see any of the entertainment, I'm here to tell you what you missed.

Mind you, I'm not really in a position to do that. I missed most of it myself. On purpose. If you want to know what Marvel, DC and Image are up to in the near future, you'll have to look elsewhere, I'm afraid. I didn't really fancy sitting through long product-shilling sessions and inane questions about who would win in a fight between Superman and The Hulk.

'The other thing the Norwegians have besides beer is a comics industry that works.' Not true, actually - I sat through one DC panel. The second one, after they'd got all that out of the way. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The first panel I went to was the one concerning the Norwegian Raptus festival, because I'd heard they had beer, and I had a hangover. Seemed like a good idea to me. I left the panel pretty nauseated, mind you. Sick with jealousy, you understand. You see, the other thing they've got besides beer is a comics industry that works.

There are 4 million people in Norway. Not a terribly high population. The top selling comic in Norway sells 1.5 million copies a month, in Norway alone. SPAWN sells 60,000 copes worldwide in a month. Stop and think about that. Over a quarter of the Norwegian population reads at least one comic a month. Granted, that comic is DONALD DUCK, which is a little frightening, but remember: these are Norwegians. They're not like normal people. Still, the sales of non-Disney books are extremely healthy too, and put American sales to shame.

The Norwegians are here to promote their festival, Raptus. Not a convention. A festival. A celebration. Because these people have plenty to celebrate. They have a proper, grown up comics culture. Comics are sold everywhere. They're an accepted part of cultural discourse alongside books and film and other media. Their festival is partly funded by the government, as part of its support for the arts.

I'm so fucking jealous of these people.

But I'm supposed to be talking about Bristol, not Raptus.

After Raptus I took some time to wander around the main area, watching people queue for signatures and sketches, and browse the small press tables. There's always a few gems to be had at these things. I haven't had time to read what I bought yet so I won't do anyone a disservice by talking about it. The big problem with browsing these area is that they're really crowded and there's no air conditioning. You wind up swimming in your own sweat, which is never pleasant.

A quick shower, and it's off to hear Eddie Campbell speak.

Eddie is a very entertaining speaker, with a delivery style that reminds me faintly of Billy Connoly in more ways than the accent. If you ever have a chance to go and listen to him, I recommend you take it. He's witty and sharp, and well worth the effort. The conversation, unsurprisingly, centres around FROM HELL and Eddie's new book ALEC:HOW TO BE AN ARTIST.

Following directly on from Eddie is the panel I've really been looking forward to, Hypotheticals, where various industry people discuss the sort of ethical problems which arise in the comics business. Of course, the problems being discussed bear no relation to any that would ever possibly occur. Of course not. In no way. Going into details about it would be pointless, and by this stage, exhaustion was catching up to me so I don't recall it in sufficient depth to make it worthwhile. Just be sure to see it next year, if you can.

It was in this state of neurological collapse that I made my way to the final event of the day, 'Comics Weakest Link', thinking that - like the TV show - it would be good for someone with the mental capacity of a particularly stunted cabbage. Sadly, it was very like the TV show - a special kind of torture that dragged on about ten minutes longer than my desire to watch it lasted, no matter how funny it was. In the spirit of fairness, I should point out that all the panelists were very funny indeed, and had it been half an hour, or even forty-five minutes, it would have been excellent.

'It was in this state of neurological collapse that I made my way to the final event.' By evening I was in full shut down, but even in my befuddled state I noted that the awards ceremony was a complete farce. A tip for the future: never put the ballot in the back of a magazine that is eligible to win awards. 2000AD is an excellent magazine, with many fine and talented creators. Certainly, it deserves to win awards. But not the number it did. The saddest thing is that because it won so many, those few which it deserved have been lost in the crowd of undeserved accolades, and both 2000AD and the awards themselves are cheapened as a result.

A second tip: if you're organising an after-show party, and you claim that it's in a building that houses a nightclub and a cinema, you would be well advised to ensure that it does hold both, and not in fact a cinema with a 'nightclub' smaller than the chill-out room in most clubs. You would also be well advised to ensure that if you advertise a party, the music is something more lively than the sort of thing played in chill-out rooms.

Sunday morning was the usual quiet affair of groans and hangovers, and a quick trip to the DC panel provided some interesting insights into DC's marketing plan, and also exposed some whacking great holes. Sadly, their defence on these points seems to be, 'Well, we're doing better than Marvel'. This really isn't adequate thinking, to my mind. But that's another column, for another time.

My editor is standing over me, demanding that I get this finished in the next couple of minutes. So in closing I should say that I have had a wonderful time and met some wonderful people, and I would like to thank Kev for all the effort he puts in to organising the Bristol festival, and to say all the other things that are traditionally said at this point. I do mean them in all sincerity, but I'm somewhat rushed here, and after two days of madness, my brain is waving the white flag of surrender.

But I'll be back for Comics 2002, you can be sure of that.

Alasdair Watson is the author of the Eagle Award-nominated RUST.

This article is Ideological Freeware. The author grants permission for its reproduction and redistribution by private individuals on condition that the author and source of the article are clearly shown, no charge is made, and the whole article is reproduced intact, including this notice.